10 Apr 2013, 4:15pm
by chrisdoody

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“It Is Funny Because It Is True”: April Fools’ Day Round-Up

April Fools’ Day was last week, and I noticed that a number of “jokes” were made at the expense of Amazon. While one or two would be interesting, I have found at least four articles, from a variety of sources. This suggests, to me at least, that concern over the power Amazon exerts in the publishing industry is becoming commonplace; if we can’t stop it, we may as well laugh about it. Below I have listed all the April Fools’ Day jokes I could find concerning Amazon, but if you have anymore, please send them my way.

Amazon Announces Purchase of English™

Amazon announced today that it has acquired the English language and plans to fully privatize the world’s predominant mode of written communication. . . .

“We are pleased to add English™ to our growing family of products,” said an exultant Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos. “We just bought GoodReads last week, and we already own Audible.com along with numerous digital publishing platforms, so buying the language outright was an obvious next step. This way, we will be able to put the Amazon stamp on the creative process itself, rather than merely on the finished product.”

Amazon Set to Launch Prior-day Delivery

SuperPrime is all about predictive algorithms. We’ve found that by combining the information we gather on a customer’s behavior with some basic neurological data, we can model their purchasing intentions so precisely that we can predict what they’re going to buy a full 48 hours before they actually make the purchase. So we ship the order overnight, and they receive it the day before they place it.

Amazon Buys Brian Cassidy, Bookseller

“I am excited to join the Amazon family,” said Cassidy on Monday, “where their worldwide reach, exceptional distribution, competitive pricing, and broad offerings will continue to render traditional bookselling obsolete.”

Revised Curriculum for the MLitt in Publishing Studies

Given our excellent industry contacts, we are confident that all students will, on successful completion of their programme, be placed at one of Amazon’s many international distribution centres.
. . .
“Share the bold new future of publishing, writing, reading, and pretty much everything else: with Amazon, with us.”